How it all began…
Sometime in about my Jr. year of college I woke up around 3
AM out of a dead sleep suddenly feeling like I couldn’t breath. My chest felt
like it was being bound by tight cords and being crushed.
Panic and terror raced through my head as I gasped for air.
My heart was racing, adrenalin pumping through my body. I didn’t know what was
happening. I was scared out of my mind. I jumped out of bed. I wandered around
the apartment trying to figure out what was wrong.
Every muscle in my body was tense. I felt like every breath
I took was fought for. It took several hours to calm my body down and get that
crushed feeling to subside. I thought maybe I was having an allergic reaction
to something, or worse.
I was exhausted, I was sore, and I was freaked out because I
had no idea what was wrong with me.
I had never heard of anxiety disorder before this incident
(and many there afterwards) but after seeing a few doctors and ruling out
something “physical,” that is what I was diagnosed with.
After lots of research on my own I came to learn a great
deal about this disorder. I have spent years on and off treatments. Some have
worked somewhat but I had a hard time staying on them because of the side
effects. I also have a secondary condition of depression. The meds I had been
taking helped out the anxiety but brought out the depression very strongly.
They also gave me really bad insomnia which made it difficult to sleep and made
me exhausted.
Because of that I could not stay on a treatment for more than
a few months at a time because I needed to sleep.
I continued to be woken up out of a dead sleep with these
attacks and started having them during the day. They made it difficult to stay
in class when I was going to school.
Fifteen or so years later while switching to yet a new
treatment my brain chemistry went so sideways one day at work, I collapsed and
found myself in the emergency room. They drugged me up good to help my brain
activity to calm down. I was so stoned that I couldn’t even talk normal. I
started stuttering terribly until the meds wore off several hours later. I
cried very hard and asked my husband why? Why was this happening to me?
This actually turned out to be a blessing for me because the
people at the hospital were able to get me into see some specialist who finally
found a med program that is working for me. They put me on a med that treated
both the anxiety AND the depression. They also put me on a med that counter
acts most of the side effects I get from the meds, the most important one is
the insomnia. I can sleep now and it doesn’t bring out the depression. What
worked for me is a low dose of an anti seizure med called nuerotin. This calms
my brain activity down so that my primary med can work without the insomnia
side effect, it also calms the restless legs side effect I get. I still have it
a little but not nearly as much without the second med.
The thing about Brain Chemistry Deficiency (BCD) is that
every person is different and it can take a while to figure out what med
combination will work for them.
It is also good to have some professional counseling to help
you cope with how it effects you. Because BCD effects the organ (brain) that
controls our thoughts, feelings and emotions, we can experience things we may
not be prepared to handle on our own.
Counseling is not a weakness!
Think of it as going to school or training for yourself on
how to stay healthy. It’s no different than a person who has diabetes who needs
training on how to keep their sugar levels under control.
That is what a counselor does, they teach you how to be
healthy, find your peace and happiness and how to cope with the emotional
turmoil that comes with this medical condition.
Symptoms I have experienced.
Over the years I have developed a barrage of symptoms that I
have when my BCD is bad and I am not healthy. This is a list of most of what I
experience, usually many of these symptoms at the same time:
Dizziness
Panic
Terror
Feel like I am freezing
Shaking
Suddenly have to go to the bathroom and take a big dump
Can’t breath, feel like I can’t get enough air (really I am
hyperventilating)
Feel like my throat is closing off
Stress
Feel like my brain is shutting down
Tunnel vision
Feel heart racing
Muscles tense
Feel like I am being crushed
Feel like time is moving in slow motion – 1 minute feels
like 10 etc.
Feel like “rescue meds” aka xanax cannot get in my system
fast enough to calm me down
Feel like I am dying
Feel tingling and numbness in my face, arms
Loss of coordination
This is most of what I can remember at this time.
There have been very dark days for me. Days when I was so
sick and my chemistry so sideways- I kept feeling terror and like my brain was
shutting down, I couldn’t control my body, my sadness was so great, my stress
was over the top, my brain felt like a
“buzz” going on in my head.
I just remember so many times and especially last year
before I found the treatment that is finally working….
I was sitting on the bathroom floor one day, wondering if
the only relief to this pain was death; Holding a .40 mil bullet round in my
hand, rolling it in my fingers, wondering if it would be better off served if I
put it in my head.
But I could never figure out a way to do it that would not
hurt my family and friends left behind. I had seen suicide before as a youth,
people I knew who decided to check out early. I knew what that felt like for me
to be left behind and I vowed to never do that to myself nor my family and
friends, no matter how bad the pain got.
The truth of the matter is though, I didn’t want to die, I
just wanted the pain to stop.
How the Gospel of Jesus Christ has helped me.
One thing that has been a strong force for me to hold on is
my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. They have
always been there for me and have sent the Holy Ghost many times to comfort me
when needed.
I am also thankful for the priesthood that my husband holds.
He has been able to give me many, many blessings of comfort through the years
that have blessed my life with such comfort and guidance.
I am thankful to know of the plan of salvation. I know that
what I have here I will take into the next life. Dying to get away from
problems will not solve the problems; it will only make more problems for me.
It has taken a while to learn that.
I do not judge those who have chosen to die to escape the
pain. I am sad for them that they didn’t get the help they needed to heal the
pain before they decided this was the only way out. In short, I can understand
why.
A very wise bishop once gave me this council about people
and things – and I am paraphrasing… “We are not even close to being wise enough
to judge people and these things that happen in life, that is why it is up to
our Heavenly Father and Savior to take care of such things.”
Things that I have endured because of this physical defect –
BCD
I have struggled in my personal life because of this, I have
struggled in school, work, I have lost jobs because of this, I have put stress
on family; I have lost friends because of it.
I have been treated poorly by people who do not understand
it. I have been ignored by spiritual leaders who want nothing to do with it and
think it is only the job of professionals to help me.
It has been very sad for me when I finally was able to ask
for help that certain individuals were unwilling to be there for me.
I have had other people who have been great supporters for
me, allow me to borrow their shoulders to cry on, have lent me their ears to be
good listeners, who have not judged me and who treat me like a normal
person.
It’s nice to be able to talk to somebody who doesn’t think
I’m “weird.”
It’s difficult to advocate for myself when I am sick. It’s
difficult to explain to people what is happening to you when you do not
understand yourself.
My anxiety attacks have some location triggers; meaning,
being certain places triggers an attack. In past years, going to church has
triggered it, going to the temple has triggered it, driving had been a trigger
at one time and other things and places that has taken me a while to over come.
Many times I have had to have long conversations with my
husband on the phone while at work so he can help me calm down from an attack.
Talking to someone helps me a lot during these attacks. Logic is not always
effective at getting me out of these attacks.
What is happening to me:
Now that I have been with some specialists I have finally
found a treatment that is working for me. I am happy to say that I am as
healthy as I have ever been. If I can borrow a cancer term, I would say that
right now my BCD is in “remission.”
My counselor was finally able to explain to me what is
physically happening to my body in a way that finally makes sense to me.
When my serotonin and noraepanephrine levels become
unbalanced, it causes my “fight or flight” part of the brain to misfire and go
into hyper mode. This is what causes the extreme feelings of terror and panic.
Think of a time in your life when you have been really
scared and panicky; now times that by like 100
and now add the fact that there is no real danger and no real logical
reason to be feeling this way.
Welcome to my world! Now you have a taste of what it is like
for me.
I am one of the happiest people I know. I love people, I
love to be around people and have many, many friends. It is nice to feel
healthy again.
I am thankful for the teachings of the gospel in my life.
One thing I have learned is that people are not perfect. Some will not
understand what I have nor are willing to learn.
Sometimes I have been treated poorly because of that, even by my good LDS
neighbors. I try not to judge them. For some reason they have not learned
things in life to teach them how to help people like me. Some I think are
afraid of what I have and they act accordingly.
I do not go to church for them. No matter how many times I
am “offended” by them, I will still love
them and go to church. I go for my Heavenly Father, I go for my Savior, I go
for me… because I know that it is true! I know that it is REAL.
Sometime in about my Jr. year of college I woke up around 3
AM out of a dead sleep suddenly feeling like I couldn’t breath. My chest felt
like it was being bound by tight cords and being crushed.
Panic and terror raced through my head as I gasped for air.
My heart was racing, adrenalin pumping through my body. I didn’t know what was
happening. I was scared out of my mind. I jumped out of bed. I wandered around
the apartment trying to figure out what was wrong.
Every muscle in my body was tense. I felt like every breath
I took was fought for. It took several hours to calm my body down and get that
crushed feeling to subside. I thought maybe I was having an allergic reaction
to something, or worse.
I was exhausted, I was sore, and I was freaked out because I
had no idea what was wrong with me.
I had never heard of anxiety disorder before this incident
(and many there afterwards) but after seeing a few doctors and ruling out
something “physical,” that is what I was diagnosed with.
After lots of research on my own I came to learn a great
deal about this disorder. I have spent years on and off treatments. Some have
worked somewhat but I had a hard time staying on them because of the side
effects. I also have a secondary condition of depression. The meds I had been
taking helped out the anxiety but brought out the depression very strongly.
They also gave me really bad insomnia which made it difficult to sleep and made
me exhausted.
Because of that I could not stay on a treatment for more than
a few months at a time because I needed to sleep.
I continued to be woken up out of a dead sleep with these
attacks and started having them during the day. They made it difficult to stay
in class when I was going to school.
Fifteen or so years later while switching to yet a new
treatment my brain chemistry went so sideways one day at work, I collapsed and
found myself in the emergency room. They drugged me up good to help my brain
activity to calm down. I was so stoned that I couldn’t even talk normal. I
started stuttering terribly until the meds wore off several hours later. I
cried very hard and asked my husband why? Why was this happening to me?
This actually turned out to be a blessing for me because the
people at the hospital were able to get me into see some specialist who finally
found a med program that is working for me. They put me on a med that treated
both the anxiety AND the depression. They also put me on a med that counter
acts most of the side effects I get from the meds, the most important one is
the insomnia. I can sleep now and it doesn’t bring out the depression. What
worked for me is a low dose of an anti seizure med called nuerotin. This calms
my brain activity down so that my primary med can work without the insomnia
side effect, it also calms the restless legs side effect I get. I still have it
a little but not nearly as much without the second med.
The thing about Brain Chemistry Deficiency (BCD) is that
every person is different and it can take a while to figure out what med
combination will work for them.
It is also good to have some professional counseling to help
you cope with how it effects you. Because BCD effects the organ (brain) that
controls our thoughts, feelings and emotions, we can experience things we may
not be prepared to handle on our own.
Counseling is not a weakness!
Think of it as going to school or training for yourself on
how to stay healthy. It’s no different than a person who has diabetes who needs
training on how to keep their sugar levels under control.
That is what a counselor does, they teach you how to be
healthy, find your peace and happiness and how to cope with the emotional
turmoil that comes with this medical condition.
Symptoms I have experienced.
Over the years I have developed a barrage of symptoms that I
have when my BCD is bad and I am not healthy. This is a list of most of what I
experience, usually many of these symptoms at the same time:
Dizziness
Panic
Terror
Feel like I am freezing
Shaking
Suddenly have to go to the bathroom and take a big dump
Can’t breath, feel like I can’t get enough air (really I am
hyperventilating)
Feel like my throat is closing off
Stress
Feel like my brain is shutting down
Tunnel vision
Feel heart racing
Muscles tense
Feel like I am being crushed
Feel like time is moving in slow motion – 1 minute feels
like 10 etc.
Feel like “rescue meds” aka xanax cannot get in my system
fast enough to calm me down
Feel like I am dying
Feel tingling and numbness in my face, arms
Loss of coordination
This is most of what I can remember at this time.
There have been very dark days for me. Days when I was so
sick and my chemistry so sideways- I kept feeling terror and like my brain was
shutting down, I couldn’t control my body, my sadness was so great, my stress
was over the top, my brain felt like a
“buzz” going on in my head.
I just remember so many times and especially last year
before I found the treatment that is finally working….
I was sitting on the bathroom floor one day, wondering if
the only relief to this pain was death; Holding a .40 mil bullet round in my
hand, rolling it in my fingers, wondering if it would be better off served if I
put it in my head.
But I could never figure out a way to do it that would not
hurt my family and friends left behind. I had seen suicide before as a youth,
people I knew who decided to check out early. I knew what that felt like for me
to be left behind and I vowed to never do that to myself nor my family and
friends, no matter how bad the pain got.
The truth of the matter is though, I didn’t want to die, I
just wanted the pain to stop.
How the Gospel of Jesus Christ has helped me.
One thing that has been a strong force for me to hold on is
my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. They have
always been there for me and have sent the Holy Ghost many times to comfort me
when needed.
I am also thankful for the priesthood that my husband holds.
He has been able to give me many, many blessings of comfort through the years
that have blessed my life with such comfort and guidance.
I am thankful to know of the plan of salvation. I know that
what I have here I will take into the next life. Dying to get away from
problems will not solve the problems; it will only make more problems for me.
It has taken a while to learn that.
I do not judge those who have chosen to die to escape the
pain. I am sad for them that they didn’t get the help they needed to heal the
pain before they decided this was the only way out. In short, I can understand
why.
A very wise bishop once gave me this council about people
and things – and I am paraphrasing… “We are not even close to being wise enough
to judge people and these things that happen in life, that is why it is up to
our Heavenly Father and Savior to take care of such things.”
Things that I have endured because of this physical defect –
BCD
I have struggled in my personal life because of this, I have
struggled in school, work, I have lost jobs because of this, I have put stress
on family; I have lost friends because of it.
I have been treated poorly by people who do not understand
it. I have been ignored by spiritual leaders who want nothing to do with it and
think it is only the job of professionals to help me.
It has been very sad for me when I finally was able to ask
for help that certain individuals were unwilling to be there for me.
I have had other people who have been great supporters for
me, allow me to borrow their shoulders to cry on, have lent me their ears to be
good listeners, who have not judged me and who treat me like a normal
person.
It’s nice to be able to talk to somebody who doesn’t think
I’m “weird.”
It’s difficult to advocate for myself when I am sick. It’s
difficult to explain to people what is happening to you when you do not
understand yourself.
My anxiety attacks have some location triggers; meaning,
being certain places triggers an attack. In past years, going to church has
triggered it, going to the temple has triggered it, driving had been a trigger
at one time and other things and places that has taken me a while to over come.
Many times I have had to have long conversations with my
husband on the phone while at work so he can help me calm down from an attack.
Talking to someone helps me a lot during these attacks. Logic is not always
effective at getting me out of these attacks.
What is happening to me:
Now that I have been with some specialists I have finally
found a treatment that is working for me. I am happy to say that I am as
healthy as I have ever been. If I can borrow a cancer term, I would say that
right now my BCD is in “remission.”
My counselor was finally able to explain to me what is
physically happening to my body in a way that finally makes sense to me.
When my serotonin and noraepanephrine levels become
unbalanced, it causes my “fight or flight” part of the brain to misfire and go
into hyper mode. This is what causes the extreme feelings of terror and panic.
Think of a time in your life when you have been really
scared and panicky; now times that by like 100
and now add the fact that there is no real danger and no real logical
reason to be feeling this way.
Welcome to my world! Now you have a taste of what it is like
for me.
I am one of the happiest people I know. I love people, I
love to be around people and have many, many friends. It is nice to feel
healthy again.
I am thankful for the teachings of the gospel in my life.
One thing I have learned is that people are not perfect. Some will not
understand what I have nor are willing to learn.
Sometimes I have been treated poorly because of that, even by my good LDS
neighbors. I try not to judge them. For some reason they have not learned
things in life to teach them how to help people like me. Some I think are
afraid of what I have and they act accordingly.
I do not go to church for them. No matter how many times I
am “offended” by them, I will still love
them and go to church. I go for my Heavenly Father, I go for my Savior, I go
for me… because I know that it is true! I know that it is REAL.