I am a communications major.
The basics of a communication model is this:
I send a message as best I can which is effected by my life's experiences,
education etc.
You receive it as best you can which is effected by your life's experience,
education etc.
You restate what you think I said. I clarify.
Repeat process until an understanding is reached.
Next: I received training as a missionary to not only teach the gospel and bare
testimony but to do something else called 'resolving concerns' (the bishop
understood exactly what I meant by that as he too served a mission).
I also have a professional background in quality systems. Part of what we do
there is identify problems then work on finding the root cause - or root cause analysis.
In other words we look for the true underlying cause.
We keep asking "why" until there are no more "whys" to ask.
For example... Our product is bad... Why? Because the machine isn’t producing
it right.. Why? Because the mechanic can’t fix it right... Why? Because he
doesn’t have the right training...
So why is our product bad?
The mechanic needs more training.
What is we had stopped looking at "the machine isn’t producing it right"
so we bought a new machine? Did we identify the root cause? Did we fix the
problem? What happens when the new machine breaks? (The problem returns).
Do you see the value of root cause analysis?
Missionaries learn a similar process of helping identify concerns that
investigators have about what they are learning about the gospel only we go one
step further and learn how to help them search for and identify answers with us
or even on their own.
Knowing about my background and how I think will help you
understand me better.
Some have implied that only a professional counselor can help
me. That is important but what they do not understand is I am doing what I have
learned from that.
What I am asking for IS what my professional counselor has recommended
that I do and that is to build a network of volunteer support people in my life
with whom I have a high enough trust level with to whom I feel comfortable
sharing this very personal burden with. Family is one need I have for support and they
are a great support for me!
Another need for support that we have identified together is my
need to have people I consider peers (such as some of my friends from hockey)
to be part of that group as well as other close friends.
I also have a GREAT need
for peer support from people of my own faith ESPECIALLY those I consider
spiritual leaders.
The reason for this being
is because spirituality is a HUGE part of who I am. I NEED peer support
ESPECIALY peer support who are of the same faith and can give me spiritual peer
support who are NOT family members. There are a lot of psychology reasons why
behind that, that I will spare you at this time but I can explain that later if
you are interested.
In short though, without peer spiritual support a huge portion of my self-
identity is being neglected and will never be truly whole nor healthy.
The Bishop was able to figure it out on his own during a recent
visit (where he was trying to help me) in a lot more simpler terms than I of
myself have been able to define...
In short, I need to feel loved.
I feel loved best by people taking the time to sincerely visit
with me. It doesn’t even have to be for a long time. 5 minutes here, 10 minutes
there when things are going good; And scheduling a time to spend more time
visiting when things are not going so good and just being a shoulder to cry on.
When I say sincere visits, I mean visits where I am the
priority. That means all of your focus and attention is on me and our
conversation.
When I say "support group" I do not mean a therapeutic group
requiring "treatment" skill learning nor a professional guide... I
mean just a group being friends and supporting each other in their struggles. I
must admit it has taken me a while for me to work through this with my
counselor to figure this out. It takes me a while to learn too.
I have a friend from my team that has what I have and after
taking a rescue pill for an anxiety attack that will relax you, she will knock
back a few beers which really intensifies the "stoned" effect and
then text rambles about life to some of us once in a while. But we don’t freak
out on her about it because we understand.... It’s just her thing to help her
deal... We don’t get mad... We love her and instead say things like, “Hope you’re feeling better.... Can we do
anything for you?” We give her the love that she needs. We don’t think she’s neither
weird nor intrusive. We have compassion for her. We do not push her away. We
embrace her.
We don’t call the coach and have him pull her into a meeting and ask her to
stop bothering people with her problems. My whole team knows about me and her
and our thing. For some reason they are very open minded about it and don’t
freak out about it. It is very nice how supportive and understanding they are.
They get it. They are not perfect like we all are not – especially me- but they
get it!
They ask me how I’m doing with it. When I ask them for help they visit with me
as long as needed. Never once have they told me nor implied that this is
something that I should only talk to about with my family and/or a professional
counselor.
Instead they ask me, "What can I do to help you?"
And this is all I am asking of any one. Don’t be afraid to ask me about it. Ask
me how I am feeling about it. Not whether or not a professional counselor or my
family is helping. If you would take the time to get to know me you will find I
have learned how to be very open about it and have developed a sense of humor
about it.
If I have come to you to talk about it, that means I want to
talk to YOU about it. Why? You fill a role that I need in that support group
I talked about, YOU are someone I
trust and LOVE, YOU are someone I
have confidence in that you can help me... Not by referring me back to people I
already know about... IF I wasn’t seeing a counselor that would be one thing...
But I am looking for something else from you. Love, kind words of
encouragement, a good listener, a shoulder to cry on... You don’t need to be a
professional to be able to do that, you just need to be willing. You just need
to be a friend.
